Thing Of Beauty
Thing Of Beauty
The six things I learned by stepping
into the emotionally loaded, spiritually conflicted, Damned-if-you-do, damned-if-you-don’t world
of plastic surgery.
My friend Wendy has always been the envy of our
group of women friends. Willowy-tall, she has legs that go on forever,
naturally blond hair, and a face like a model’s. Yet when she turned 50, she
began to notice those little flaws that vex every woman of a certain age. In her
case, droopy eyelids became the focus of intense dissatisfaction. “Look how
this lid makes it hard to open my eye all the way,” she said a few years ago,
as I drew close.
“I’m thinking of getting surgery to
correct it.” I was taken aback. Wendy was gifted with so many physical charms,
and to risk going under the knife for one tiny imperfection seemed vain. Why
meddle with nature’s course?
And yet soon after, I felt the sting of
judgment myself in the once of my dermatologist, an opinionated, hilarious gay
man. For 15 years we had bonded over my precancerous sun spots. But on this particular
day, he looked into my face and frowned. “You know, I can take care of those
crow’s-feet,” he said. “And you might want to consider some lipo for your
tummy.” Indignant, I replied: “Why would I want to do that?”
He smiled: “Um, so you could get a date?
And look less matronly?” He hugged me as if to say, just kidding! But
his words stung. As I passed through his posh waiting room, I stared at the
perfect beauties waiting for their next Botox fx with a bit of scorn . .
. and a hint of jealousy. And in turn, they seemed to look at me with
curiosity. Look—a woman of 60 who’s had no work done! Dosent she care how she
looks?
Welcome to the Great Plastic Surgery Debate—between women
who do and women who don’t, and between the pressure to look 25 no matter the
cost and our desire to be true to ourselves and lead authentic lives. It is a
quiet, undeclared war, in which we sit at the table facing each other, judging,
woefully self-critical, and contorting ourselves to ft. into a culture where
youth rules and age makes you invisible.
Only a few decades ago, plastic surgery was limited to
socialites and other women with money and a big stake in looking perpetually
25. Now it’s positively mainstream. Even in enlightened circles—at yoga and
meditation classes, and at ashrams and Buddhist temples—you can see the
strangely tight faces, the too-pouty lips, the breasts that defy gravity. If plastic
surgery has confounded me in general, the indulgence in it by those following a
spiritual path—a path that emphasizes transcendence of the ego—leaves me flummoxed.
No fewer than 14.6 million cosmetic plastic surgery procedures—both
minimally invasive and surgical—were performed in this country in 2012. In
order of popularity: breast augmentations, nose jobs, liposuctions, eyelid
surgeries, facelifts, and tummy tucks.
Yet some indicators hint that a backlash has begun. In
Hollywood, Isabella Rossellini has referred to cosmetic surgery as “the new
foot binding”; Salma Hayek blasted
It as “the uniform of a generation”; Halle Berry calls
its proliferation “really insane, and I feel sad that
that’s what society is doing to women.” And Emma Thompson, Rachel Weiss, and
Kate Wins let have formed what they have dubbed the “British Anti-Plastic
Surgery League.”
Other signposts are popping up. Sixtyish
model Cindy Joseph has created a cosmetics line, Boom, aimed at women of a
certain age, and business is (ahem) booming.
“I feel like we’ve reached a tipping
point, and women are waking up,” she says. “It’s exciting to see how many women
are beginning to see the beauty of aging and wearing it with style. We love our
wrinkles and wear them proudly.”
And Mireille Guiliano, the author of books
including the best-selling French Women Don’t Get Fat, is bracing for controversy
when her new book, French Women Don’t Get Facelifts, is released
this Christmas. “Sex and seduction are not reserved for the young in France.
French women see aging as a stage of life, and wrinkles come with it and are an
expression of who we are,” she says. “We also like a natural look and think
it’s disconcerting to see a stretched face without any expression or life.”
Yet plastic surgery also has its staunch
defenders.
Women get a nip or tuck for many reasons
that have less to do with vanity than with surviving in a tough world with their
sense of self-worth intact. Making the decision to cut or not to cut even more
agonizing is the fear that they will be judged if they choose the surgical
route to youth.
All of these thoughts on the controversy
set me on a path to examine the phenomenon of plastic surgery through a lens of
spiritual exploration. In the course of my journey,
I’ve learned six key lessons from the
Great Plastic Surgery Debate.
Thing Of Beauty
1. We avoid the present moment. From hormone replacement pills to Viagra
to yoga
poses that promise better skin, it has
never been easier to avoid the signs of aging. But that raises the question:
why should we want to? “I’ll never forget getting an email from a vendor who wanted
to sell me an ‘ant aging’ element for my cosmetic
line,” says Joseph, who calls Boom a
“pro-age” line. “I replied to him and said, ‘I’m sorry, but you’re kind of
missing the point. Age is to be celebrated, not hated.’”
I know that in my own life, aging has offered
me some fantastic benefits: from excellent friendships to time to read, from a
greater understanding of the human heart to an appreciation of Shakespeare. But
savoring those things requires slowing down life’s frantic pace and embracing
the present moment, seeing the beauty of the age I am, rather than pining for a
younger version of me.
The media theorist Douglas Rushkof, author
of Present Shock, makes the argument that our culture is stuck in what
he calls “the short forever.” “Fighting time is not only impossible
but counterproductive,” he says. “When people try to freeze time, they lose access
to the living moment.”
His take on shows like The Real
Housewives of Beverly Hills, in which the superwealthy bicker and bond over
Botox and boob jobs: “They are trapped in another version of the short
forever—one in which a particular stage of one’s life is deemed to be better than the rest, and so
everything before and after is remade in its image.”
2. We can’t deal with impermanence. “This is definitely a youth-obsessed
culture,” says the Buddhist teacher Lewis Richmond, author of Aging as a
Spiritual Practice. “It’s almost impossible for us to grasp the idea that
nothing is permanent and everything is in flux, including our identity and
including us.”
Our own cells embody this truth—every day,
our physical form is changing, aging, marching toward the day it will give out
and disappear, he says. “I write in my book that ‘everything changes’ is the first
truth of Buddhism and thus of human life. From a spiritual perspective, you
have to begin with recognizing that loss is written into the fabric of existence.”
Yet accepting that impermanence can also
bring great joy. “The evanescence of things is the reason you enjoy your life,”
he says. “A plastic flower might look pretty on first
Glance and will be around forever, but
only a real flower, which will wilt and drop its leaves soon after blossoming,
is truly beautiful.”
How does this relate to women who strive
to never change? “When you cling to what you know you will lose, you suffer
needlessly,” Richmond says. “But embracing impermanence is opening the door to
joy.”
3. Older women feel invisible. Not surprisingly, the largest
demographic getting face-lifts comprise women pushing 50. “Men buy Ferraris;
women buy face-lifts, because they want to feel that they are still wanted,
valued, and desirable,” says Lynn Forbes, cofounder of the Whoa Network, an
online community for women at midlife and beyond. “Women feel less powerful,
less seen and heard as they age.” Old is
Deemed bad and young is good in our
culture, says Forbes, which is why so many women this age suffer from a lack of
self-esteem.
I’ll never forget the night I was flirting
with an old boyfriend at a party—until I realized he was actually looking at a beautiful
girl standing behind me.
“It feels like there is nothing more
humiliating than being a middle-aged or old woman in this American culture, «says
Nicole, 57, a Los Angeles writer and professor who had a full face-lift. “I’d
suddenly become invisible, and for someone who was used to being heard, it was
unacceptable. So I did something about it.”
Stubbornly quixotic women like Joseph,
though, believe that no one can take your power and self-esteem unless you let
them. “This generation has reinvented every decade it’s been in. I see this as a
great opportunity for boomers to model a whole new way of living our later
years. Shift is definitely happening. When we change our perception of
ourselves, when we refuse to be invisible, the world will change its impression
of us.”
For Carole Simone, a Northern California
spiritual coach and healer, women’s reasons for seeking a nip or tuck all boil
down to one thing: “I see clients all day long who are
Having procedures done, and they’re
confused about it,” she says. “They’re concerned about how lovable they are. I don’t
have any judgments about [surgery], but if I can help them see themselves as
strong and beautiful, then they can make a solid decision about it. But I have
compassion for any woman who questions whether she is worthy of love, as should
we all.”
4. We judge others and are judged. Compassion is what I most
certainly lacked a few years ago when I challenged Wendy about her decision
to have her eyes done, and it came back to
haunt me. When I approached her about letting me
interview her for this story, her first question was whether I was going to judge
her again. “You gave me a bit of a hard time,” she
recalled. “You had your opinion. It was OK, because I did it anyway. I
still loved you as a friend.”
But clearly my judgment had hurt her
feelings: where I’d forgotten completely about my careless comments, she had not.
I was ashamed of myself in hindsight; if my former self had viewed her choice
as unspiritual, I know now that my own rush to judge her was that and more.
Many women have had similar experiences. “I
was at a pub one night where I liked to sing karaoke with my friends, about six
weeks after having breast in plants,” says Michelle, 55, of Nevada. “There was
a group of very competitive ‘mean girls’ who would come in. When I got up to
sing, one of them said, ‘Whoa! How do you spell?
Plastic surgery?
Wendy is philosophical. “I think it’s just
human nature to judge—but the judger might want to pause and reflect on what it
is they have contempt for, and why.” As I wrote once, ‘Whatever I have contempt
for, I’m might just as well set a place for it at my table, because it is
either in my life already, or coming.’”
Simone agrees. “Judgment is all about
fear, and under fear there is a lot of projection. You may think you know someone
well, but you don’t know their deepest story. People have to fnd that place
inside them that is big and Inclusive.
Richmond, the Buddhist teacher, evolved in
his perspective toward cosmetic surgery after hearing poignant personal stories
from women. “Ageism threatens their livelihood and their sense of who they are.
People do what they need to do. How does it help to criticize them?”
5. We need to know what we’re getting into.
In interviewing several women who have had
“work” done, each one advised thinking carefully before deciding to go through
with it or not.
In addition to the potential for emotional
and spiritual side effects, cosmetic procedures do carry some health risks—from
the (fortunately rare) horror stories of badly botched surgeries, to more
common complications that can lead to a difficult recovery or long-term pain. “Research
your doctor carefully,” says Michelle.
“Ask yourself why you’re doing it, and if
you’re expecting your life to change as a result. If you are, I’d venture to guess
you have some interior work to do first.”
Adds Jacquie, “Make sure that the only
person you’re trying to please is yourself, and double-check those reasons.”
Gale, a flmmaker, had gone as far as
booking herself into the surgeon’s schedule to take care of a droopy jawline, only
to cancel at the last minute. “I felt like doing this would mean apologizing
for being the age I am, and I don’t have anything to apologize for. I would
have been haunted long after by the sense that I am vain.”
If you’re contemplating taking this step
yourself, Simone suggests a meditative exercise. “I encourage anyone considering
this to go inside them and ask one question of the wise-woman part of them. Ask
that wise woman, what are you trying to tell me? And listen to that. And then ask
the wise woman if this is the highest good.”
She advocates a thoughtful, cautious
approach. “When you quiet down and get away from your fear, ask yourself, what
are you afraid of? And if you can work with that part that is afraid, then you
can make a good decision. I just always try to remind people that you can
always be more beautiful, but it won’t bring more joy into your life.”
6. Everyone can win the Great Plastic Surgery
Debate. The first step in evolving past
the knee-jerk stage of the controversy is to support other women in making
whatever decision is right for them. Everyone has
her own story, her own path.
Try slowing down long enough to be fully
in the moment and at home with your true self. Embrace the impermanent (and
imperfect) nature of our world and our bodies. You’ll be less judgmental of
yourself.
Embrace your authentic self—whether that
means getting that boob job or celebrating your crow’s-feet and gray mane. See
what makes you happy in this bold experiment
Called life. And proceed with caution and
think things through before getting a dragon tattoo or face-lift. Reconsider
the concept of beauty. “We need to change the whole notion of what true beauty
is,” says Joseph. “When a woman feels good in her skin, when she’s happy and
joyful and finds her true purpose and passions, she shines from the inside
out.”
Cultivate inner happiness by giving of
yourself. Volunteer at a senior center, organize a book club, and audition for Community
Theater. Doing for others keeps you from obsessing about those crow’s-feet.
Buck the cultural impediments to
visibility. Walk tall, refuse to take a table by the kitchen, make your
opinions known. Change the way you look at yourself, and the world will change
too.
Turn over a new leaf. “Reinvention is huge
for women at this age,” says Forbes. “They call it the fuck-you 50s for a reason.
We’re fnally at a point where we have the courage
To be ourselves, do what we want, surround
ourselves with the people we want to be with. We get adventurous and start businesses,
or go back to work after years of staying home, or focus on a passion, our
creativity, or causes we believe in. I
Find this time amazing. “But,” she adds,
laughing, “I still don’t like the crow’s-feet.”
The author of Naked
on the Page and editor of the acclaimed anthology Single
Woman of a Certain Age, San Francisco-based
Jane Ganahl wrote about
environmental outreach at San Quentin State Prison in the May/June issue of Spirituality
& Health.
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